From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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