hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
