We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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