Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
