I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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