When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
