mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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