I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
