Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
