so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
