I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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