There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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