i think my tv is drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
