i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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