i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize