Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
