made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
