Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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