So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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