is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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