Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
