When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
