Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Drunk is not a location!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
