dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
there is glitter all over my balls
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