I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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