i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
