i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
