Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
