I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
