I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
