Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
