So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
