bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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