I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
