You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
