Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
