We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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