he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
