I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
