just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize