I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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