I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
