one two three fourrrrnication!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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