This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
