I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
