Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize