Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
