no, he came in my armpit
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
