People with herpes should wear stickers.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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