Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
sex in a hospital.. check
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize