Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize