I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
