I cannot find my penis.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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