that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
