You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
