it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
