Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize