ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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