Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
