So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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