I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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