so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
