Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
