maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
